Monday, 24 January 2011

Breastfeeding Rules According to Baby

Ok so I can't take credit for these but unfortunately I can't remember where I saw this first but I wanted to share. Hope it gives you a giggle and you can associate with some of them.

Mummy. Focus, please.

1. You do NOT talk to the other people in the room while you are feeding me. If you do this, I will pull off and glare at you accusingly.

2. You are to stroke my head or my back (the arm is also permissable) while I am feeding. A failure to do so will result in a whinge.

3. Laughter is not permitted. Laughter causes me to chomp on the nipple, hard. You will learn, eventually... I can do this all day.

4. Feel free to feed me in a noisy place, but do not contribute to the noise yourself. Mummy must be silent while I am eating.

5. You must smile back adoringly when I pull off and grin at you cheekily, not wince at the pain I am causing your nipple.

Failure to adhere to any of the above will result in pain for us both.

6. I like to have something to grab onto while I drink. If this means pinching Mummy's breast or arm, digging my nails into her collarbone, pulling her hair or clawing at her face, she will ignore it and continue smiling adoringly at me

7. Dont even try to be discreet mummy ... i like to be able to touch the boobie when im feeding.. Part B - if you cover me with a muslin wrap, I will play with it, and expose your boobie to the entire planeload of people getting on board!

8. Other children must be relegated to their appropriate place in the pecking order when I am having MY boobies.

9. If I fall asleep at the boob I am to stay there AT ALL COSTS. DO NOT attempt to burb me or put me down, I will scream like a banshee.

10. (as they reach toddlerhood...) Mummy, I am a big boy now and I try to inconvenience you as little as possible. I try to help myself to your boob when the thirst takes me and I am fully capable of lifting up your shirt, but you are determined to wear those damn bras. So I will flap your shirt up and down and make whimpering, "excuse me, I am PARCHED here" noises until you deal with it!

11. Mummy is not allowed to have hot meals. If a hot meal is threatening to be eaten, I will intervene with demands to be fed my dinner, which will save you from the dangers of eating hot food. Be grateful, Mummy - I am doing you a service.

12.- I will take as long as I want to have my milk. Even if I am usually an efficient feeder I will have a leisurely 45min banquet when you are at the shops and have a thousand things to tick off your list. And beware- if you try to rush me, I will not be happy.

13. I love playing with your eyes and eyebrows, I will get angry if you try to stop me and may bite. I don't care if it means your make up gets smudged.

14. Breastfeeding is the perfect time to practice my acrobatics. There isn't any point in trying to get my to lay nicely in your lap like I used to. I want to jump around, put my feet in the air, reach around the back of you etc. If you lay down, and let me climb and dance around you while I'm feeding, I'll be much obliged.

15. Do not bother asking me to have one side and then the other. Both breasts must be exposed. Breasts are a buffet to be sampled left and right, left and right as I choose. I have a discerning palate, you know!

16. I never wait.. When I start grizzling that special grizzle you step up with the boob please. NOW not in 2 minutes NOW

17. If I decide to pay attention to my older siblings and ignore the breast, SO BE IT.

18. If I want to feed all night, it's your duty to obey.

19. And long after you've given up breastfeeding, expect me to come to you after a hard day's play and greet MY boobies like old friends I haven't seen in ages! This will include putting both arms down the front of your top for a boobie bear hug, or could end up with you wearing your top over your face while I greet them - while everyone watches on!

20. Your boobs are fair game. If they are out, they are mine to latch onto, even if I've already been fed.

21. You must not try on bras at the shops without offering me a feed. It is not fair to dangle those boobies in front of me and then put them away like that. That's just teasing and I won't stand for it.

22. I will pick the point just before a let down to pull off and have a good look around so anything and anyone within a 1 metre radius will cop a good spray.

23. And don't think you can sit on your lappy typing one handed on these forums and ignoring me.........I will keep kicking your arm till you stop typing and start paying attention to me so we can continue with the above 22 rules!!!

24. I will stand outside the shower whilst you try and shower in peace, with a pleading look on my face, yelling "Mummy boo boo??!!"

25. Unless the ENTIRE world has seen your nipple today, I will not be happy and will continue to show it off any chance I get

26. I am learning the parts of the face, therefore when I poke my finger in your eye, up your nostril, in your ear and in your mouth, while breastfeeding, you must repeat endlessly "eye-nose-ear-mouth", to my infinite gratification

27. You must let me check that no one else has taken the other boob while I am on this one oh and let me pinch you too mum!


  1. So nice to read about someone in favour of breastfeeding - keep up the good work! My babies are now 24 and 22 and have now flown the nest, (how I miss them!) Fed my eldest for 1 year (boy) and my daughter for 16 months.

  2. Thanks for the lovely comment and well done on BF for so long in a time when formula feeding was almost insisted on. I've got a 23 and an almost 21yr old as well as 2 little ones. I remember being sent home with little bottles of formula when I had my first.